#1: The Best Of Times (1981)

If one were searching for magical events, John Kerry’s unsuccessful 2004 run in the US Presidential election might seem an odd place to start. But almost immediately after he accepted the Democratic nomination, there was a fairly bad omen. As his speech finished, and the convention hall went wild, anyone watching the TV coverage at home heard a shouted: “What the fuck are you guys doing up there?” The event’s producer, Don Mischer, was apparently not happy with the number of celebratory balloons, and was presumably subsequently even less happy that his radio had been connected directly to the live broadcast feed.

A rare blunder in Mischer’s long career — though not exactly a household name, he’s produced and directed Emmy Award ceremonies, Olympic Opening Ceremonies, Obama’s Inauguration, and Taylor Swift TV specials, in reverse order of importance. But back in 1981, he directed a pilot called The Best Of Times. Which wasn’t picked up, and would have been entirely forgotten if it wasn’t the professional screen debut for one of its stars, a teenage boy called, at the time, Nicolas Coppola. (He’d later borrow the surname Cage from a Marvel comics character, to avoid accusations that he was trading off his uncle Francis’ reputation.)

The other young cast member of note is oddball-to-be Crispin Glover, most famously the dad in Back To The Future, then pointedly not the dad in any other Back To The Future films except in reused footage that prompted him to sue, then eventually the director of films such as What Is It?, “the adventures of a young man whose principle interests are snails, salt, a pipe, and how to get home.”

It’s deeply unclear what The Best Of Times wants to be or who might possibly be expected to want to watch it. The opening, in which Crispin (Glover — they don’t trust any of the actors to remember that their characters might have different names to them) explains that we’re going to get an insight into the life of the oft-derided American teen and then introduces us to a few of his friends, suggests we’re about to watch a sitcom, but it’s structured as a sort of demented variety show.

The constituent parts are sketches (mostly quick ‘gags’ along the lines of a girl telling her friends that she’s gone ‘All the way with a boy… all the way to San Diego that is!’ HA HA YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SEX BUT SHE WAS NOT TALKING ABOUT SEX), strange pseudo-dramatic monologues on everything from the loneliness of adulthood (“You can’t take a kitten to college!”, apparently) to the price of jeans (capitalism, maaaan) and musical sequences illustrating the problems of teenage life (e.g. Dolly Parton’s 9 to 5 is repurposed to illustrate how tough it is to have a summer job washing cars).

Coppola is cast as the ‘dumb beach hunk’ of the group, and for the most part he delivers a passable comedic performance, including such highlights as: some funny walking, teaching a nerd how to impress girls, and just generally looking confused. More wobbly is a monologue about his fear that his bad grades will mean he has to join the army, and his father’s reluctance to discuss what he saw during his own service (in Vietnam, presumably), but the script’s car crash shift in tone at this point does at least distract from the shortcomings of the young actor.

It would be a bit churlish to have a go at any of the performances given the lame material they have to work with, but shout out to ‘special guest star’, comedian Jackie Mason. Cast as the local shopkeeper, Mason has the advantage of knowing how to deliver even the crappest of gags, though you do wonder how much of his deadpan disinterest in the proceedings is an act.

Three other weird things about The Best Of Times

• During an original musical number about doing chores, Nicolas Coppola is seen doing the washing. At one point he holds up a sexy nightie and makes a sort of ‘NIIIIICE!’ face, which given he’s presumably doing the washing for his family is a bit incesty.
• There’s a scene in which the girls recount having accidentally walked in on the boys during a swimming lesson, which was apparently quite exciting because the boys have their swimming lesson in the nude. This was apparently a very real thing that happened in some American high schools until the 1980s and what the actual fuck.
• In another skit a character says she’s trying to lose weight by only eating bread and water. “Sounds like a prison diet!”, her friend says. Punchline: “It’s by the lady accused of shooting the Scarsdale doctor!” I had to Google this. It refers to a then-current event, the trial of a woman accused (and subsequently convicted) of murdering her husband, the author of a best-selling diet book, by shooting him four times at close range. You never got jokes like that on Saved By The Bell!

But the single worst crime committed by The Best Of Times is that it is a patience-brutalising 48 minutes long, and any slight charm any aspect of it has has worn thin within half that time. Justifiably unremembered or remarked upon, it earned the 17 year old Nicolas Coppola a whopping $5000, most of which was apparently spent on his first car, a bright yellow sporty number (his parents immediately forbid him from driving it). But will it earn me enough money to buy my first car? Let’s find out!

THE NUMBERS

• 5 & 9 — The musical highlight of is definitely the ‘excellent’ version of Dolly Parton’s 9 To 5. Someone should get Cage & Glover to reprise it for a charity single.
• 10 — “A ten?” exclaims a character who thinks the girl on the other end of the phone who’s just agreed to go on a date with him is “a ten” (out of ten for attractiveness). But it turns out she is ten years old! Thankfully this development isn’t explored any further.
• 13 — Director Don Mischer has a star on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, presumably not because of The Best Of Times. It’s at 1013 Hollywood Blvd, outside a souvenir shop. (By co-incidence, Nicolas Cage’s own star is just a few doors down outside 1021. Which appears to be seafood buffet.)
• 25 — The number of cents that Jackie Mason will pay for a returned glass bottle. After issuing this payment he will make an aggrieved face.
• 48 — Fucking minutes of this nonsense.

THE RESULT

Well, no-one said winning the lottery by watching Nicolas Cage films was going to be easy.