#38: Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001)

My name is Ed and in order to inherit my eccentric great uncle’s haunted mansion I must watch all of Nicolas Cage’s films. After watching each film, I play the lottery so that when I win I can pay the ghosts to go away.

It’s odd, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. There are bits of it that are definitely meant as comedy, and when I Googled the novel it’s based on (books are for squares) lots of reviews talk about the author blending comedy and tragedy. But presumably the author never writes anything like: “Then Captain Corelli opened his mouth and started speaking and his Italian accent was less slightly less authentic than Super Mario’s”.

Anyway, it’s Cage’s first outing to World War II (I’m thinking about starting a timeline of Cage, to see how much of human history he’s explored in his career), but his second time in the Italian army (see entry #14 for details of the rather tedious Time To Kill). The film follows the build-up to, duration of and aftermath of the Italian invasion of Greece, specifically the island of Cephalonia, and more specifically through the love affair between a mandolin playing Italian soldier and the local doctor’s daughter.

Even more specifically: Penelope Cruz lives on this island with her dad John Hurt and is all about kissing Christian Bale, but then it is THE WAR and Christian Bale goes to war so they can’t do any kissing. Then Nicolas Cage invades the island and shouts “SEXY MAMMA!” in a bad Italian accent so she kisses him instead.

None of this should really work, but I found myself oddly charmed by it, dubious accents and all. I mean John Hurt is obviously great, because John Hurt is always great. David Morrissey’s Nazi character seems to have dropped in from a lost episode of Allo Allo — he’s a rather comically sad figure, a little dweeb desperate to impress the cool Italian guys by letting them smoke all his ciggies. And while Cage can’t do the accent to save his life, he can certainly do the braggadocio. Cruz got Razzie nominated for this, but as I think I’ve detailed before, the Razzies really can fuck off. The couple certainly have chemistry — possibly too much, as they were rumoured to be having an affair.

I don’t know, I can see why it’s not a well-regarded film — everything is laid on with a trowel, and the tone is even more all over the place than the accents. But I found something basically amiable about the whole thing, big and dumb and stupid as it is: I can imagine dozing off in front of it after a boozy Sunday lunch. Only to wake up with a start with the Germans start shooting everyone dead.

Oh, he actually plays the mandolin. It’s not a metaphor. Unless it is.

THE NUMBERS

3 — I’ve written down here that Captain Corelli wears 3 stars on his uniform as part of his rank insignia but looking at photos on the internet I only count 2 now. Maybe there’s one on his hat. I really should keep better notes when I’m watching these films, but I don’t expect I’m going to start.

16 — The holiday celebrating the feast of St Gerasimos, which we see at the beginning and end of the film, happens on August 16th. It involves loads of people lying down in the dirt to prove how religious they are, or something.

33 — Captain Corelli is in the 33rd regiment of the Italian army.

40 — The Italians invade Cephalonia in 1940.

45 — Showing off his titular mandolin playing skills, Corelli starts by pausing for an unreasonably long amount of time — he claims he has to wait 45 bars for an imaginary orchestra to play before his part comes in. The banter!

47 — Corelli returns to Cephalonia in 1947 and kisses the lady and they live happily ever after I expect.

THE RESULT

2 numbers! It turns out fascist invasions are BRILLIANT!

NEXT TIME ON NICOLAS CAGE:

A Christmas Carol: The Movie. Wait, didn’t we basically just do this in The Family Man?