#72: Left Behind (2014)

My name is Ed and I will soon have seen every film Nicolas Cage has ever made. I will also be a millionaire, because every time I watch one of the films, I pick 6 numbers and use them to enter the UK National Lottery. There is no way that this plan cannot succeed.

Christianity, for all its faults, has produced some astonishing art, e.g. Bruegel’s Tower of Babel, Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam, a straight-to-DVD movie in which Ted McGinley has to stop the shittest Baldwin brother from banning Christmas. It’s also responsible for Left Behind series of books which I’m led to believe are the evangelical version of Tom Clancy thrillers, and thus this film, the second attempt to adapt them for non-reading Christians, following a trilogy so bad the original authors sued the producers for breach of contract.

The premise of Left Behind is that, for reasons never clearly established in this film, God has decided that its time to go a Rapturing, and several million people are suddenly transported to heaven, leaving everyone else somewhat bewildered. Cage, presumably in it for the reported $3 million cheque rather than his deep love of the Lord, plays the improbably named airline pilot Rayford Steele. Midair at the time of the Rapture, can Steele get his plane safely back on the ground despite the ensuing chaos? Probably, with the assistance of a former teen heartthrob with three first names and a blonde lady from Neighbours who must be really annoyed about how well Margot Robbie’s doing.

The slightly baffling cast list also includes Lea Thompson from Back To The Future, American Idol winner Jordin Sparks and a former Olympic bobsledder. Ashley Tisdale from High School Musical was at one point going to play Cage’s daughter but sadly dropped out. It was directed by the guy who was Harrison Ford’s stunt double in the Indiana Jones films. What is life?

It must be so bad it’s good, right? Right?

Sounds of someone blowing a raspberry goes here.

Mainly the issue is that the plot is almost non-existent— there are thirty painfully event-free minutes before the Rapture happens, in which very standard character types are laboriously laid out as though the viewer has never seen a film before, or ever met a human being. Even after that, there’s not a great deal going on: Cage tries to land his plane, the daughter wanders around witnessing the aftermath and looking sad.

The problem, I would guess, is that Left Behind is deliberately hedging its bets: it wants to stay true to its evangelical origins but also take a punt at the mainstream (hence shelling out for Cage). A lot of the more ‘out there’ elements of the books have been dropped, including Israel being protected from Russian bombs by a heavenly forcefield, the UN being taken over by the literal antichrist and the formation of a team called ‘Tribulation Force’ to fight him. But there’s also no exploration of the premise, no consideration of the philosophical (or religious) implications of living through the Rapture: no-one ever really asks ‘Hey, why didn’t I get to go to heaven?’. Instead, we just get poorly written action movie character banter dragged out for an hour and a half.

As if it could get any slower, the ‘big action finale’ involves one of the characters driving a fucking steam-roller. A sequel is apparently planned, although the producers’ crowdfunding campaign raised less than 20% than they were asking for, so presumably they won’t be able to afford Nicolas Cage next time. Praise be.

THE NUMBERS

3 — Nicolas Cage’s plane leaves from Terminal 3.

6 — The flight to London will take 6 hours. A character mentions this will all change with the HYPERJET, which I guess must have been on the news on the afternoon the screenwriter spent on the script.

13 — The film closes on a quotation. “But of that day and that hour, knoweth no man.” It’s from Mark 13:32, which I believe is part of the Bible.

16 — The flight departs from gate C16. C16 is the World Health Organization code for stomach cancer, which is not mentioned in this film.

24 — A lady tells hotshot journalist Buck Williams that Matthew 24:7 predicts the end of the world, which I suppose is better than asking whether someone got paid for this or arguing with the headline instead of the article.

32 — When the daughter is trying to escape the post-Rapture chaos of the mall, we see a guy who appears to have shop-lifted a 32 inch TV. 32 inches! Have some ambition mate. Have some bloody ambition.

THE RESULT

Zero numbers on either this ticket or the Lucky Dip I won last time. God is clearly dead.

NEXT TIME ON NICOLAS CAGE:

Dying Of The Light