My name is Ed, and soon I will be able to tell you about any film that Nicolas Cage has ever been in. But I won’t talk to you, because you’re probably a schlub and I will soon be a millionaire, for after I watch a Nicolas Cage movie, I play the lottery. There is no way that the magical energy of Nicolas Cage will not cause me to win the lottery with one of the final two films. No way.

Finally, Nic Cage is in an utterly generic horror movie! As happens surprisingly often, here he’s an unconvincing academic, lecturing students about spooky myths. They’re dressed up as spoooooky cats, because it’s Halloween, the spooooookiest day of them all. Then Nicolas Cage’s kid is abducted, by a ghooooost. Hey Nicolas Cage why are your kids always being abducted you dumb idiot?

I am not a huge horror fan, because I am basically too wet for all but the most tepid of jump scares, but Pay The Ghost is deeply untroubling viewing. Even if the special effects didn’t appear to come out of a ‘standard horror’ computer graphics package, this is such basic fare that they might as well just have had someone shout “boo” through a letter box for an hour and a half.

But even if the film somehow engineered a few moments of genuine terror, it would be pretty tough to disguise the non-existent plot which for the majority of the movie consists of Cage searching fruitlessly until right at the end a random pagan lady shows up to tell him exactly what to do to get his kid back.

The cast mostly spends the film looking half-asleep, which is fair enough. If pushed to find anything of merit in this film I guess Nic Cage does some vaguely amusing eye acting.

They could have saved a lot of time making Pay The Ghost by simply cutting scenes from other bad Nic Cage thrillers together with parts from other bad horror movies. Why not try doing this and upload it to the internet where no-one will ever bother watching what you’ve done because no-one has real any interest in your bizarre hobbies?

The most entertaining part of the film by far is the hilariously optimistic scene right at the end where the corpse of one of the ghost’s victims springs to life, ready for the sequel that critically-panned straight-to-the-internet films like this don’t get.

Someone’s left a comment on the Wikipedia page for Pay The Ghost noting that the plot summary “seems a litle flat, should be completed a litle more if possible”. Quite.

THE NUMBERS:

2 — The portal to the special ghost world where the missing children are taken to only stays open for 2 hours.

3 — The ghost steals 3 children every year, as revenge for the murder of her own 3 children. That doesn’t really seem fair to be honest.

6 — Just before his kid goes missing Nic Cage buys him an ice cream. It cost $6. Is that really how much ice creams cost in New York? If I ever go back there I shall bring my own ice cream.

7 — Nic Cage’s kid is 7 years old. He’s still 7 years old a year later, because of being kidnapped by a ghost, which raises a few questions that obviously the film ignores entirely.

17 — The ghost comes from the 17th century, where she was burned to death for having the plague or whatever dumb made-up bullshit. It’s all fake it’s just a film none of it happened.

31 — Halloween is on the 31st of October. Which is just a true fact, but they do say the date in the film.

THE RESULT:

No stinking numbers. How is this fair? 4 and 5 come up but not 2, 3, 6 or 7? Stupid ghosts.

I suppose it makes sense. I suppose I couldn’t possibly have won before the very final instalment. Where would the drama have been in that?

NEXT TIME, ON THE FINAL WINNING THE LOTTERY WITH NICOLAS CAGE:

The Trust

My name is Ed, and soon I will be able to tell you about any film that Nicolas Cage has ever been in. But I won’t talk to you, because you’re probably a schlub and I will soon be a millionaire, for after I watch a Nicolas Cage movie, I play the lottery. There is no way that the magical energy of Nicolas Cage will not cause me to win the lottery with one of the final two films. No way.

Pay The Ghost (2015)

Finally, Nic Cage is in an utterly generic horror movie! As happens surprisingly often, here he’s an unconvincing academic, lecturing students about spooky myths. They’re dressed up as spoooooky cats, because it’s Halloween, the spooooookiest day of them all. Then Nicolas Cage’s kid is abducted, by a ghooooost. Hey Nicolas Cage why are your kids always being abducted you dumb idiot?

I am not a huge horror fan, because I am basically too wet for all but the most tepid of jump scares, but Pay The Ghost is deeply untroubling viewing. Even if the special effects didn’t appear to come out of a ‘standard horror’ computer graphics package, this is such basic fare that they might as well just have had someone shout “boo” through a letter box for an hour and a half.

But even if the film somehow engineered a few moments of genuine terror, it would be pretty tough to disguise the non-existent plot which for the majority of the movie consists of Cage searching fruitlessly until right at the end a random pagan lady shows up to tell him exactly what to do to get his kid back.

The cast mostly spends the film looking half-asleep, which is fair enough. If pushed to find anything of merit in this film I guess Nic Cage does some vaguely amusing eye acting.

They could have saved a lot of time making Pay The Ghost by simply cutting scenes from other bad Nic Cage thrillers together with parts from other bad horror movies. Why not try doing this and upload it to the internet where no-one will ever bother watching what you’ve done because no-one has real any interest in your bizarre hobbies?

The most entertaining part of the film by far is the hilariously optimistic scene right at the end where the corpse of one of the ghost’s victims springs to life, ready for the sequel that critically-panned straight-to-the-internet films like this don’t get.

Someone’s left a comment on the Wikipedia page for Pay The Ghost noting that the plot summary “seems a litle flat, should be completed a litle more if possible”. Quite.

THE NUMBERS

2 — The portal to the special ghost world where the missing children are taken to only stays open for 2 hours.

3 — The ghost steals 3 children every year, as revenge for the murder of her own 3 children. That doesn’t really seem fair to be honest.

6 — Just before his kid goes missing Nic Cage buys him an ice cream. It cost $6. Is that really how much ice creams cost in New York? If I ever go back there I shall bring my own ice cream.

7 — Nic Cage’s kid is 7 years old. He’s still 7 years old a year later, because of being kidnapped by a ghost, which raises a few questions that obviously the film ignores entirely.

17 — The ghost comes from the 17th century, where she was burned to death for having the plague or whatever dumb made-up bullshit. It’s all fake it’s just a film none of it happened.

31 — Halloween is on the 31st of October. Which is just a true fact, but they do say the date in the film.

THE RESULT

No stinking numbers. How is this fair? 4 and 5 come up but not 2, 3, 6 or 7? Stupid ghosts.

I suppose it makes sense. I suppose I couldn’t possibly have won before the very final instalment. Where would the drama have been in that?

NEXT TIME, ON THE FINAL WINNING THE LOTTERY WITH NICOLAS CAGE:

[2020 note: Well, the final one then.]

The Trust