I have been writing more Taylor Swift fan-fiction, for the best Facebook group that there has ever been.
29/8/2014
It was Friday and one of the best kinds of nights there can be – a night of a Taylor Swift gig, and she was playing all of her best songs like Love Story and You Belong With Me and the one from the Paul Potts movie.
All her biggest fans from ‘The Metaphor and Cat’ Facebook group were in the front row and she gave them all high fives!
Suddenly she started playing the brilliant song Red from the album Red which is about colours and also emotions! Everyone was dancing so well but oh no suddenly the music stopped!
A strange metal voice echoed across the arena.
“HUMAN TAYLOR SWIFT FANS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS RED. YOUR BLOOD. WHEN WE HAVE EXTERMINATED YOU.”
Oh no! It was the Daleks! Taylor Swift was scared but she did not cry because she is so brave. What would she do now?
But suddenly there was a strange noise like a wheezing groaning noise like if it was Doctor Who’s TARDIS because that is in fact what it was! It landed on the stage and the door opened and Taylor Swift made a surprised face (but she was still pretty and also brave despite being surprised).
TO BE CONTINUED
5/9/2014
“Right,” said No Slacking, of the No Slacking Talent Agency, “Today I have a very important job for you boys!”
“Did you hear that Barry?” said Paul
“What?” Barry looked confused.
“He’s got a very important job!”
“Yes, I know, he’s our boss!”
“No you idiot, he’s got an important job for us!”
“Yes, for us he’s our boss.”
“Oh do be quiet and listen.” said No Slacking who was getting cross at this point.
The brothers listened intently.
“Today we’re being visited by a singer who I am trying to sign up to my Talent Agency for to earn a lot of money!”
“Oh that’s good you’ll be able to buy a new suit.” said Barry. No Slacking’s suit was a bit old, but No Slacking clearly didn’t want to hear this as he was going all red in the face now.
“Less talking, more doing. You need to look after the singer and make sure there are no SHENANIGANS – and remember: NO SLACKING! Look, here she is now!”
Paul and Barry turned around and were so surprised that their moustaches nearly jumped off their faces…TO BE CONTINUED
12/9/2014
All the engines of Sodor were very excited as their favourite singer was coming to play a concert on the island. James The Red engine was especially excited as he had been chosen for her to ride on because of her song Red – yes that’s right Taylor Swift was coming to Sodor!
The night before the big day the Fat Controller (who we’re probably not even allowed to call that now because of the nanny state I expect) was checking some important business things when he heard some singing and also crying. It was coming from Percy the Small Engine’s shed.
“For why are you crying Percy?” said the Fat Controller.
“She wears short skirts, I’m a train. She’s cheer captain, I’m a train,” sang Percy sadly. For Percy was in love with Taylor Swift but could she ever love a train with a strange grey talking face for some reason?
“Percy you are a strange engine.” laughed the Fat Controller who to be honest didn’t care very much about the emotional welfare of his trains because of capitalism and so on.
But in a hotel room, the beautiful singer Taylor Swift shifted in her sleep in her bed in the hotel room… was she just missing Olivia Benson? Or was it… something more?
TO BE CONTINUED
19/9/2014
Alex Salmonds sat on the Scottish step, crying. He looked at his new iPhone 6 Plus again, but the result had not changed. The dream was over.
Then suddenly he felt a gentle but strong hand on his shoulder. And a beautiful voice whispered in his Scottish ear.
“Shake it off.”
And Alex Salmonds knew it was going to be okay.
TO BE CONTINUED
26/9/2014
Taylor Swift sighed and pressed print on the Buzzfeed article which the printer immediately printed into the shredder oh dear it was in all in bits now. When would another website that was a bit like Buzzfeed but with more handsome writers aggregate some of her content hopefully not using the word “bae”?
She stopped dreaming about the handsome writer who probably had brown hair and wore glasses I expect because the Delorean from Back To The Future had crashed into her kitchen! She had only just had that kitchen repaired from when one time stupid Harry Styles had set fire to a pan!
“Sorry about your kitchen Taylor Swift.” said Doctor Emmet Brown who was driving the Delorean as he is known for, “But there’s an emergency!”
“What could be so important you needed to destroy my kitchen which the internet says has crisp white cabinets that will never go out of style and a light-as-air space is accented by copper wall hangings and a stand-out hood vent?” said Taylor Swift who was pretty angry but was keeping her cool because she is always in elegant control.
“It’s your kids, Taylor Swift! Something’s got to be done about your kids!”
TO BE CONTINUED
Don’t even talk to me about irony.