Because Jesus Christ I’m not bungee jumping any time in the next 12 hours.
1. Shake Jeremy Beadle by the ‘wrong’ hand.
2. Live in Streatham, twice.
3. Get kicked out of Jongleurs, Portsmouth for having a piss in the corner.
4. Appear in BBC Olive Magazine as Daniel Wilkins, Engineer.
5. Livetweet a solo marathon of all the Police Academy Films.
6. Wake up walking across Tower Bridge at 5am and immediately call your mum to assure her that you don’t need to borrow money.
7. Drink 6 pints of lager then attempt to interview Stewart Lee before what neither of you knew was going to turn out to be a Fathers4Justice benefit gig.
8. Burn a jacket potato in the microwave.
9. Quote Star Trek: The Wrath Of Khan in an email to a girl you’re in (unrequited) love with.
10. Wake up with your postcode written on your hand.
11. Play a hexadecimal in a musical rip-off of Tron.
12. Walk out of a screening of The King’s Speech because you’re so drunk you’re about to start ‘getting republican’.
13. Within 24 hours overhear different people describing you as looking a bit like Paul Merton and a bit like Leonardo DiCaprio.
14. Cry on the phone to HMRC.
15. Go to an 80s party as Winston Smith. No-one gets it.
16. Watch every episode of Stargate SG-1.
17. And Stargate: Atlantis.
18. Unwittingly talk about Saint Etienne in front of a man from Saint Etienne in a way that’s personally mortifying but doesn’t provide a satisfying anecdote.
19. Use the Science Museum’s PA system to pretend to be an alien overlord.
20. Send Alex Hern a DVD of The Beaver.
21. Pass out into the Wandsworth Road and smash one of your teeth out.
22. Fail an audition to be on Pointless.
23. Drunkenly slur Andrew Collins’ own name at him after a radio recording.
24. Be in a naked calendar. With your colleagues.
25. Have a hungover snooze on the company sofa and wake up to the chairman of the board looking at you suspiciously.
26. Leave a party because you think it’s funny that your friends’ creepy next door neighbour wants to ‘draw’ you then bolt once he starts asking you if you like his collection of porcelain elves.
27. Look forward to lottery night because you can earn 30p a go for texting drunk people the numbers.
28. Fail to have finished reading any work of classic literature, though you got to the bit in Ulysses where the man has a shit AND listen to the Classic Serial so you’re totally well-read.
29. Come to terms with people calling you ‘Harry Potter’ because at this point it’s flattering.
30. Fall down an escalator, followed by the speaker system you were supposed to be looking after.