The Guardian Things

I was Ben, the unofficial face of Shippam’s paste (The Guardian)

Idiot creates Twitter account pretending to be corporate voice of a brand of fish paste. It gets shut down, Guardian asks him to write about it.


Film reviews of films

My review of The Third Man

The Third Man is one of those films from when they made them in black and white in order to make them seem classy, but I think that’s just stupid as it’s hard to tell the people apart because you can’t see if they’re wearing a different coloured jumper or whatever.

This guy sells tyres with meningitis because of World War II or something.

As if that wasn’t confusing enough the main character is called Holly which a girl’s name even though the main character is not a girl. I did some research and found out that the director of this film was called Carol which is a girl’s name even though the director is not a girl. I don’t watch a film to see a director deal with personal issues! I watch it to see action and sometimes kissing!

Anyway it had a complicated plot: Orson Welles is dead but then he is not dead really he just had to pretend so he could get a free ride on a big wheel and then he is really dead after all. To be honest I’m not sure I 100% understood it, but that’s the gist.

My best thing in the film was when the funny army man punched the man with a girl’s name but then Orson Welles ends up shooting the funny army man to death which is a bit off as he didn’t even know the army man had punched the man with a girl’s name who he didn’t even seem to like that much anyway.

The worst thing about this film is how the camera man kept setting up the camera all wonky. I assume they must have made this quickly and didn’t have time to re-film it but I’d have thought you could cut out the squares of film and stick them back together wonky the opposite way so it would come back normal. Lazy.

This film is a bit pretentious and nothing exploded. 5/10.


A Million Words

Apparently the author Ray Bradbury once said something along the lines of every writer needing to write one million words before they’d write anything decent. He might not have actually said this at all, but the internet believes that he did and that’s just as good as a fact.

I’ve alway thought it would nice to be a good writer, so I obviously need to get to the million word mark. First of all, let’s work out where I am at the moment. I have made 21,055 tweets on Twitter. Let’s assume an average of 100 characters, and that a word has an average of 6 characters. 21,055/100 * 6. That’s over 350,000 words right there. Let’s assume another 50,000 on various essays, unfunny blog posts, articles for ropey student publications, begging letters, etc. That’s only 600,000 words to go!

Possibly because it’s not really clear that he said it at all, no-one seems to mention if Bradbury was any more specific than “a million words”. Do they all need to be different words? Presumably not, as even with a thesaurus you’d still end up having to list a lot of medical conditions. Or possibly switch languages every so often. Maybe you can cheat and just write “A a a a a a a a a…” until you have written the word “a” one million times. If that’s not enough variation you could just count up to one million, although that might get confusing as numbers like “one hundred and four” have four numbers in so you would get to a million before you got to a million and the whole thing would be an aesthetic mess.

Perhaps the best solution would be to buy lots of Ray Bradbury books and just copy them out onto your computer until you hit a word count of one million. This is ideal as a) since all the words after that are supposed to be better you are guaranteed to be a better writer than Ray Bradbury, who has published a lot of books which caused him to make “mad bank” and b) because it will annoy Rad Bradbury who is old and mental and thinks the film Farenheit 9/11 ripped off his book Farenheit 452 which is stupid because Farenheit 9/11 is about a big fat man pretending to cry.

I can’t really be bothered to find some Ray Bradbury books but I have read some of them so I will attempt to reproduce what I remember in order to get a little bit closer to one million:

‘What do you mean, the President is a butterfly?’, asked the man who was burning all the books in a fire.

It turns out I don’t really remember very much about Ray Bradbury. Oh well. Only 599,563 to go!

Judging a book by its cover

Water For Elephants: A Novel

From the looks of things this is a book about a circus which is pretty stupid as circuses are not really as good as Alton Towers or PlayStation.

I think that it is clever that they have put “A Novel” in the title of this book so you know that is a novel and not puzzles or a manual; I think this is a very helpful idea that more books should consider to avoid unnecessary confusion in these times of doubt and uncertainty.

I do not like that there are no elephants on the cover of this book even though there are Elephants in the title as I like elephants even though they are scary I think I would like one to be my friend and share peanuts with me and also fly.

Apparently they have made this book into a film with the man who is a vampire in September the 11th so I would advise you to watch that instead as there is probably music and colours in it.

Judging a book by its cover

The Pregnant Widow

This is a book about going to the beach and looking at things which is not always a good idea as sometimes people do not want you to look at their things even though they have their things right there and they shout and then when you still don’t stop they look frightened and cry or run away. This is confusing and this book is probably confusing.

Also two ladies cannot make a baby together. Martin Amis is an idiot and only gets published because his dad used to play James Bond. I don’t know what “phenomenal” means- is it like in the film Phenomenon when everyone thinks John Travolta is magic but then he dies of cancer? Seems a bit harsh.

Judging a book by its cover

Brave New World – Aldous Huxley

I really do not like this cover at all. The faces are a bit like something from one of those computer films that’s a bit like Toy Story but not really as good because someone dropped the film down a valley and it came out all wrong.

The big green faces are very scary and perhaps the reason everyone in this new world (that is what olden days people called America before they found out about it from watching HBO, so this is probably about America) had to be very brave is because they all got spooked by each other’s faces and lips. 

I just thought about what it would be like to kiss a frightening floating green head and felt bad in my insides, this is a dreadful book about dreadful people and I would not like to look at it any more.


Streetchild (Markthree Media)

Some ‘excellent’ ‘acting’ from me in this comedy sketch by the brilliant Elise Bramich.

My face was briefly on the front page of the comedy website Chortle for a bit after this. I am available for any Hollywood films.

Judging a book by its cover

Christos Tsiolkas – The Slap

I don’t really know why a book about some legs and grass would become an international bestseller, so I think this book is one of those logic puzzles like when a man dies in a glass of water because he tried to stay in an infinite number of hotel rooms. Why would you slap a child who is not your own when everyone knows it is only fun to hit things that are related to you?

Perhaps the man has gone back in time and the child he is slapping is himself because he has quite severe personality issues and needs to literalise them. Or maybe the child is a dwarven terrorist. Or a ghost.

Anyway, when you work out why the man hit the child you win a golden rabbit or some cigarettes I expect.

Judging a book by its cover

The Echo Man – Richard Montanari

I think this is a stupid book about a man who murders musical instruments in a cave. Well done. I don’t know why he would do this, most people don’t care that much about musical instruments unless they are famous or magic like the piano in the film The Piano if it could cure cancer. I hate this book. Every death doesn’t make an echo. What about a duck? I am so angry.

Judging a book by its cover

One Day – By David Nicholls

This is cheating because I have seen pictures like this before so I know that this book is about a vase, although it’s all wonky. I think it is about two people who are so bad at pottery that they take twenty years to make one wonky vase and then have to lie and say they did in one day so as not to look like pathetic potters and be the mockery of the pottery world.

I would say that this isn’t a very good book as the letters aren’t even all the right way up and not even the same not the right way up so it’s probably really hard to read unless you had a special book gyroscope.