I am going to review all the things I watched at the cinema this year, again.
It turns out mainly I watched quite a lot of cack this year.
Birdman – I liked how they pretended it was all one shot and the drums all went thunk a thunk thunk but I think it got boring after the man was all in his pants and then there were four endings? Calm down Boohoo Batman!
Jupiter Ascending – Never has something so passionately made so little sense. Sean Bean played a bee. A bee. A masterpiece.
Seventh Son – I was hoping this would be enjoyably bad but it was in fact indescribably boring. Some witches want to turn a realm into gold or something, Jeff Bridges looks like he’s lost a bet.
Furious 7 – Film of the year. The cars parachuted out of the aeroplane and then they jumped out of a building into another build and then into another building and then Paul Walker DROVE A CAR INTO HEAVEN.
The Voices – Ryan Reynolds is a “funny” serial killer or something? He cuts the women’s heads off, it’s a black comedy laughing out loud!
Avengers : Age of Ultron – Some more boring shit with robots, I expect.
Pitch Perfect 2 – Not enough singing, and all the bits where they were not singing were really amazingly bad!
Ex Machina – Domhnall Gleeson kisses a robot or something? I imagine it made me think!
Mad Max: Fury Road – Every single thumbs up emoji. All of them.
Jurassic World – You know how unhappy nerds make versions of The Phantom Menace where they edit out all the scenes with Jar Jar Binks or whatever? They should do a version of this where they edit out everyone who isn’t a CGI dinosaur.
Terminator: Genisys – Oh, just fuck off.
Everest – This was extremely stressful and bummed me out a whole lot because it turns out climbing up Everest is a really dumb idea and it doesn’t go at all well! Do not watch this film or try to climb up a mountain!
Inside Out – The people used the computers to make my brain feel emotions!!! U GOT ME AGAIN COMPUTER PEOPLE!!!
Death Of A Gentleman – I spent a lot of time this year watching cricket and according to this film it is going to die soon because of capitalism so that’s bad.
The Man From U.N.C.L.E. – Yeah, I really gave a shit about the origin story of The Man From U.N.C.L.E., thanks all. Guess what happens at the end? SPOILERS: HE BECOMES THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E.! Still, I would probably sit through another one.
Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation – Tom Cruise and Simon Pegg did something? In a car? Not as good as the last one but absolutely fine, probably? I expect some people were disavowed.
Ant-Man – Top tip: put loads of good jokes in your superhero movies and they are actually fun to watch! (Meanwhile Ben Affleck growls about his city while Superman does 9-11 again, etc.)
Legend – It was sweet that they let some 13 year old boys write a film about their favourite gangsters. Tom Hardy was really good as London Bane and the Gay London Bane and then it turned out to have been narrated by a ghost?
Irrational Man – It is by Woody Allen and it has Joaquin Phoenix and Emma Stone and a murder and Neelix from Star Trek: Voyager in it. Did I like this film? Who knows!
The Martian – It was exactly like the book but you got to see many film stars who you recognise from other films doing it. Well done!
Christophe Waltz: James Bond you kissed my dad and now you must die.
James Bond: I disagree.
Black Mass – Johnny Depp played a sort of vampire gangster who hangs out with some very naughty policeman until things get too naughty and he has to wear a hat. 3 stars.
Star Wars: The Force Awakens – I liked seeing all the things that I remembered from the past when Wagon Wheels were bigger and also some new things that were a bit like those things but different! Then I watched it again and I liked seeing all the things again again!